aftermaththis morning my heart woke
I love doing collabs myself. They always present a fun exchange. I think the biggest challenge is melding two different styles so it doesn't feel like two disparate voices, but one unified vision.
For the most part, this piece flows pretty well. Sadly, I can tell who wrote what due to your strong artistic style and voice. You use ampersands, which is always a dead give away, plus your imagery seems fresher.
I'm not sure if you picked up from this line or just tried to work with it, but this line made me scratch my head, for the word layout:
... figure out how to be less, necessarily
it never worked.
That "necessarily" seems very wrong. Very wrong.
Other than that, I liked the wrap around effect, how the beginning and end met. I liked the portion of a heart taken idea, but other ideas, "repeating the rhythm of your mouth" and "swallow the emptiness" felt a bit ordinary.
This is one of the few times the breathless commas-are-my-best-friend style feels too overwhelming. I enjoyed sections but felt as a whole, it could be tweaked a bit more. Good effort from two passionate writers, though. Wouldn't mind seeing more collabs like this in the future.
hahaha the lines may not be what you think!! thank you for the critique!
i love doing collabs but unfortunately i have so little time except during breaks that i can't usually give the right attention to them so i was glad to write with natalie again(: